This writing mentions self-harm and childhood sexual abuse. Please consider your own limits as you read. Due to the personal nature of this letter, this will eventaully have a paywall. I am happy to comp anyone - just ask!
I’ve been haunted by blue tiles in the background of something being put in my face as a young child. I focused on the blue tiles in that bathroom – they were maya blue. Almost grey. I remember other specific details of that day. It was sunny out, but the bathroom was dark- on the shady side of the house. I can’t remember anything past the blurry movement into my face, it goes blank. I’m not ready to say more on this and the impact it has had on me, particularly my middle school - high school years.
But I do know this was an overwhelming event for my brain, so overwhelming that stress hormones from the thalamus and hypothalamus caused neural degeneration and repressed my memory. I probably will never know entirely what else happened. But my body remembers, even if my conscious mind will not- hence the title of that blue book with the orange spine we all have seen and maybe skimmed.
I recently came across a writing prompt of 100 ‘I remembers’ in list format, inspired by Shane Allison’s memior I Remember. This prompt resonated with me because my memory often feels like maze with no end in sight. I automatically opened a new document and starting writing down memories. It was reassuring to know how many I have- more than I thought.
It became a healing exercise, an opportunity to outweigh the lost ones I’ve been searching for. I tried to let go of control and just write as the memories arrived. There are so many more dear to my heart, these are just what happened to surface as I wrote. Good, bad, silly, embarrassing, disturbing, warming- they are my own.
Now I’m sharing them with you, starting with my very first memory and ending with me here now.
Here we go…
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